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inane annals
The Pornographers, pt.1
by Mark Suder Massey | 24 Oct 2007, 12:23

Two men walked into the Streets of Glasgow pub. In fifteen minutes it would be closing time and my shift as busboy would be over. I was lounging at the bar, dishrag in hand, watching Samantha the barmaid's cleavage through her tank top as she bent forward to get a clean rocks glass.

The L-shaped bar was almost empty. From where I sat, on the short end of the bar, I could see everything on the long end. The two men who'd just walked in sat together on the long end of the bar. The older man was heavy-set and bald with a nice charcoal suit. The younger man, slender and curly-haired, was wearing baggy jeans and a hooded sweatshirt.

"Hi," Samantha said to the two men. "What can I get you?"

"I would like a Roy Rogers," the bald man said.

"Get me a Shirley Temple," the slender man said.

Samantha wrinkled up her eyebrows at the two men. "Funny," she said. "What do you really want?"

"We'll get to that in just a minute," the bald man said, setting a high-end digital camera on the bar. "But for now, kindly fix us those soft drinks." He had a resonant voice and a southern accent.

A customer in a plaid shirt belched, left a ten dollar bill on the bar, and walked out. Now there were only three customers left, all of them sitting on the long end of the bar. Besides the bald man and the slender man, there was a third man with a black pony-tail and a trench coat.

Samantha filled a rocks glass with bourbon and set it down in front of the man with the pony-tail. He said thanks, not looking at her breasts. Before sipping his drink the man with the pony-tail coughed several times, then wiped his mouth. He was in his late twenties, handsome, and dressed like a GQ model.

The bald man tilted his head back and sniffed. "Somebody is imbibing some high quality bourbon!"

The man with the pony-tail nodded, smiling with the corners of his mouth.

The bald man leaned towards the man with the pony-tail. "Ah, bourbon. The drink of gentlemen and criminals."

The man with the pony-tail shrugged, sipping his drink. "What's the difference?"

The bald man looked at him, then gestured theatrically. "I love his wit!"

After making the two soft drinks Samantha set them down in front of the bald man and the slender man.

"So are you guys teetotalers or what?" Samantha said, leaning forward on her elbows and smiling at the two men.

"I'm afraid abstinence is not one of my virtues," the bald man said, sipping his drink. "However, my friend and I have to work tonight."

"Normally I drink like a motherfucker," the slender man said. He had a high voice, didn't enunciate, and spoke with a Puerto Rican accent.

Samantha laughed. "When do you guys start work?"

The bald man smiled. "Oh, very soon."

"Must be an interesting job," Samantha said.

"Lately I feel as though it's the job I was born to do," the bald man said.

The slender man finished his Shirley Temple, sucking the ice through his straw. "Goddam. I want me a grown-man drink."

The bald man looked at the slender man. "Don't fret. You'll do grown-man things in not too long."

"What kind of work do you guys do?" Samantha said, leaning on one elbow.

"We're in entertainment," the bald man said.

"Very artistic," the slender man said.

"Right on!" Samantha said. "I've always thought it would be so cool to be in music or acting or whatever."

"And what is your name?" the bald man said.

"Oh," Samantha said, offering him her hand. "I'm Samantha."

"A pleasure," the bald man said, shaking her hand. "My name is Cap."

"And this," Cap said, gesturing at the slender man, "is my colleague Luis."

Luis shook her hand. "Luis," he said.

Samantha looked at me. "Hey. Can you start stacking the pint glasses back here?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding and getting up.

As I walked past the man with the pony-tail he got up and walked over to the dart board. He began to play darts against himself. Behind the bar I started stacking the pint glasses.

"Have you ever tried acting?" Cap said to Samantha.

Samantha leaned farther forward, playing with her bangs. "Back in high school I took drama for two years."

"Ah, theatre." Cap said. "I was a thespian myself for many years. And if there's one thing I learned about myself being on stage, it's that I love an audience. Once you've tasted that there's no going back."

"Really?" Samantha said. "God. I still haven't really gotten past stage fright and memorizing my lines. So, like, are you still in theatre?"

Cap grinned. "In a fashion. These days I do independent films."

"Oh, sweet!" Samantha looked at Luis. "Artistic, right?"

"Shit yes," Luis said.

"You might say we've found our niche market," Cap said. "We work with tight production schedules, improvised scripts, small crews."

"That's so cool!" Samantha said. "What kind of movies?"

"It's a shame you've never had a chance to act before a camera," Cap said, crossing his hands and leaning somewhat forward. "You've got the face for it. You look great under stark lighting." He reached out with his right hand, not quite touching her face. "May I?" he said.

Samantha nodded.

Cap touched her chin with two fingers. "Turn, to the right. Yes. Like that."

Samantha was blushing, her head tilted up at an angle.

"Perfect," Cap said, his voice calm and husky. He brought his hands back. "Pardon me if I made you uncomfortable," he said. "When the spirit moves me I lose all shame."

Loosening up, Samantha leaned back and brushed her bangs behind her ears. "That's all right."

"Are you getting this?" Cap said to Luis.

Luis picked up the camera and started filming Samantha. A bright light from the top of the camera lit up her upper body and the surrounding liquor bottles.

With the camera on her Samantha started giggling. "Hey!" she laughed, putting on hand on her hip. "I didn't tell you you could do that!"

"This is Samantha," Cap said into the camera. "Give me a serious look, Samantha," Cap called out.

She lowered her chin and turned in profile, staring at the camera from under her eyebrows.

"Superlative," Cap said. "Now give me sultry."

Pouting, Samantha arched her back and thrust her arms straight down, slowly turning to face the camera.

All at once Samantha's posture went loose, arms flopping at her hips as she laughed and shook her head. Blushing from her chest to her ears, Samantha leaned forward with one hand outstretched to block the camera.

"That's enough," Cap said to Luis.

Luis turned off the camera.

"That was great," Cap said, smiling at Samantha. "Have you considered the possibility that you're a natural? Just now, with the light on you, I was reminded of several iconic moments in film."

"You mean it?" Samantha said, crossing her arms over her chest. "God. I mean... Thank you!"

Cap smiled at her with his eyes. "One of my actresses recently left with no fore-warning. Perhaps we could discuss a screen test once your shift is over?"

"God," she said, her mouth open and her eyes wide. "I'd love that!"

"Fantastic!" Cap said, grinning. "Until then I'll stop distracting you from your duties."

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